Ask What You Desire, and It Shall Be Done For You

I was in my mid 20's, and at this large house party in Brooklyn one night. There was this tall gregarious balding man with a huge bag of cocaine offering everyone a "bump." He had a little teeny spoon on a chain that he would keep snorting with and then hold it out for others. This man seemed much older than the majority of people at this particular party. He was fervent in his dancing, and proud of his drug of choice. A young lady friend and I were watching him dance around like a buffoon, as was a majority of the attendees. The life of the party had offered us a bump, but we had both declined. It just seemed awkward, and gross.

As the music was blaring she whispered loudly into my ear, "That guy is 40 years old." Her whisper echoed in my mind as I watched him dancing from afar. I thought to myself, I sure hope that I'm not like that guy when I turn 40.

When I was in high school, I started reading lots of books. I was a total bookworm. During lunch, I would go where no one could find me and read. One of my favorite authors of that time was Charles Bukowski. At the age of 16, I had never really drank much alcohol, and I had an extremely smooth complexion. However, after a year or so of reading most of Bukowski's prose and poetry, not only did I develop an addiction to alcoholic beverages, but I had also developed a terrible case of acne vulgaris. I had enjoyed reading about Bukowski's life as an alcoholic with bad acne, I thought that it was funny. Little did I realize that the pen is certainly mightier than the sword. What I was reading slowly became my own life. It was not voluntary, it just happened. Doctors read about medicine for years, lawyers read about the law. What we read becomes our lifestyle. It has been said that "Great readers become great leaders." This is why I read the Bible every single day. I ingest the Word of God. It takes me to the secret place of the Most High. It transforms my life as I abide in His Words. I believe. I am a believer. I am more than a conqueror. I can do greater things than Him. I live to glorify God. Read your Bible! Start today!

Bumfuzzle: Black Coffee in Styrofoam Cup Makes My Face Itchy

My New Years resolution for 2014 is to smile all year long and to have at least one cup of coffee a day. No matter what is going on, I will be smiling. It is a lot harder than it sounds. I have broken this resolution hundreds of times already, but I will not stop smiling! It may seem creepy, but I don't care. I just keep smiling and smiling. As I write this on my smartphone, I have a huge smile on my face. Oh, my dear friends, this year I have started a new relationship with an old friend..

After a yearlong hiatus, I have started drinking coffee again, and I don't know how I made it through 2013 without the world's favorite caffeinated beverage. Coffee calms me down and relaxes me and fills me with joy. It makes my eyeballs big and my face itchy. It really is good for me. Even though I had my gall bladder taken out last month, I thank God that He is letting me drink coffee again. Black coffee in Styrofoam cup. IT just doesn't work for me in a mug. It has to be in Styrofoam. I went to the dollar store and bought a huge pack of Styrofoam cups. Try it some time. There is something in the Styrofoam that gives you more bang for your buck. That is all that I can say about that.

Speaking of coffee...I am trying to do this Jerry Seinfeld inspired Christian TV show. Christians getting wired on coffee and sharing the Gospel with strangers in public places. We already have three episodes where I ordered a 5 pound  bag of David Lynch Organic Coffee from Amazon and weird things happened that day as we documented our Crusade. Tim got it all on video: I heal the sick, raise the dead, and help homeless people admit that they are slaves of a Satanic Overlord, but it is not their fault. David Lynch Coffee is really good!

Also, we are still trying to come up with a title for this Christian Evangelic Coffee Experience TV Show. My friend Grace wants to call it: CHRISTIANS ON SPEED! That title would probably attract lots of viewers, but it may give the wrong impression. We are on the speed of the Holy Spirit! He gives us a New Life, and that fills us with a Supernatural Energy. You can have it too, in the mighty Name of Jesus! It is combat, there is a war going on right now. It has nothing to do with Duck Dynasty and homophobic comments. Stop being so sensitive. I am a soldier!

I Wrote This the Night Before Going to the Hospital Where They Removed My Gallbladder (Unedited)

I remember reading Notes From the Underground and the opening lines were something like, "there is pain in my liver...or kidneys..." or something to that effect. As I sit here and write this now, there is pain in my body. It just keeps going. People dont understand what it is like to live with constant pain. Well..some people understand.

But now, I am going to switch my mind set and enjoy the feelings in my body as I write this. IT is a burst of energy from the HOLY SPIRIT making me write this tonight. My wife is sleeping on the bed nearby in the room that we live in. She is 13 weeks pregnant.  I have never had a pregnant wife before. I am excited about this child coming soon. I never thought that I would have any kids. I was just one of those people who thought that there are already enough people on this planet, and life is such a drag sometimes. Who really needs to bring more people into this limited amount of space on this ball of depressed mud floating around a big hot ball of fire.

But, then I became a Born Again Christian. Going to church, reading my Bible, praying for others. That was about 3 years ago, while I was going through a trial for hitting a pedestrian with my car. I will never forget that moment: the body splashed against my windshield shattering the glass as blood sprayed all over my car and I stopped and then I screamed and then I took off and then I pulled into the next street and sat there. The words: GAME OVER were flashing in my mind in front of my eyes.

Who am I writing this for? I have always wanted to make writing my vocation and I have gotten pretty close, but then it just becomes so hard to write down every idea. So many ideas and they become kind of dumb after awhile.

I just felt a jolt of pain in my abdomen area. You see, I was diagnosed with gallstones about a year ago and there have been bouts with excrutiating pain, I went to the emergency room once and could not even stand up the pain was so bad, and then the pain just simmers out and stays at a medium level for days and it is driving me crazy. I dont trust doctors and I dont like going to hospitals and I dont like taking medicine. But now, I have some pain killers that they gave me and I am going to take one. Right now.

No, I am going to beat this without pain killers. I was addicted to drugs for a long time before I gave my life to Christ. I smoked crack and snorted all kinds of powders and shot up heroin and popped so many pills that people thought I was Chinese because my eyes were so lidded. I dont know how it all spun out of control, but I do. It is easy to try to look for someone to blame, but it was all me.

Again, I am going to try and focus on Positive Mental Attitude. I read my Bible as soon as I get up in the morning. I read it and I believe that it is the Word of God. There was a time, not too long ago, when I just read it like any book. Mythology. Fiction. But one day, while I was reading it I heard a voice say this to me, "Try to believe."  It was preposterous, and I strained myself, but it worked. I began to see the light. I felt the presence of God right there and I began to transform into a New Person in Christ.

So now, I'll be honest with you, I just took the pill. I thought that I would be able to beat the pain with positive mental attitude and prayer, or maybe this writing would break the pain but it is not. It is really bad and in my whole upper body. It makes me wonder what death is like. But oh yeah, I have eternal life now. You can have eternal life too, if you accept Jesus Christ into your heart.

I think that this writing is making the pain worse. I cant take it, I might have to stop. It is like my lungs are on fire. But when I write stuff like that it gets more painful. This is not a self help book. This is something different.

I am healed. I am healed. In the mighty Name of Jesus Christ. By His stripes I have been healed. My fingers are struggling to grasp my chest and stand up and pace back and forth. The pain is so bad right now.

I got up and stood in a really hot shower, scalding. And that temporarily takes the pain away. I know that God is putting me through this to strengthen me. I am not going to focus on the negative for another letter.

I am relaxing on a beautiful beach. The waves crashing against the shore and palm trees keeping me in the shade. A nice cold glass of water and I just saw a fish jump out of the crystal clear water. I can see my wife and child on the beach, we are having an amazing vacation where no one can find us. Our cell phones are in the hotel room and we are free.

I can see angels all around me. They are my medicine. They are healing me. I need to escape the world. Right now I am on a space ship far out in the depths of another galaxy.

The Holy Spirit has filled me with such joy and love. Love is really all that matters. So much love in my life. It fills my whole being. God has touched me. The Spirit is making my inner organs new and refreshed and my whole mind is becoming peaceful and calm. I know that you can feel the Kingdom of God right now as you read this. The Kingdom of God is where I live. The Kingdom of God is only attainable if you read your Bible on a daily basis. It is an instruction booklet, telling us how to walk in His Kingdom. Oh, thank you Jesus. As I abide in Him and He abides in me. 

Cold Shower/ New Life

For about 2 years (after getting evicted from the White House), I was living with my girlfriend (now  wife) in a small efficiency in Richmond Heights. There was mold on the walls, roaches, we shared the kitchen and bathroom with an old woman who spoke no English, it was just a little room. But the fact that it was only $300 a month made us acclimate ourselves.

The last 6 months that we lived there, the hot water heater was "broken". At first, I was quite upset with the landlord. But after a week of taking only cold showers, I noticed a change in my emotions. I didn't feel depressed, I was full of energy and joy. I began to really appreciate the jolt of my nightly cold shower. Taking a shower became a fun experience.  I even began to sleep better.

A month or so later, I went to Orlando to visit family. I started telling them about these cold shower epiphanies. "That's really strange," said my brother Nick. It turns out that our multi-millionaire cousin Brian, who owns two very successful restaurants in Orlando had no hot water in his mansion!

Brian (whose net worth is $3.5 million) explained that he also takes cold showers because they are quick and he doesn't have time for a long shower, because he is so busy. Also, it helps his mind stay alert and focused on making money. This was great for me to hear.

Pastor Clean says, "Take cold showers every day!" Hallelujah!

How To Quit Smoking in 12 Days

Smoking cigarettes is a bad habit. These days,  I'm all about breaking BAD habits and making GOOD habits. So here is the Handelsman System of quitting cigarettes in less than12 days. This system works if you do it, I promise. It totally works.

First, stop buying cigarettes. Tell yourself that you are now on the Handelsman System and that you are going to slay this Dragon. There are only 2 things that cigarettes do: they steal your money and they kill you. You can do this!

Start this Monday. For the next week, when you feel the urge to smoke, ask a cigarette smoking stranger if you can "bum a square" or "get a smoke", or even "may I please have a cigarette?" Don't buy a pack, smoke whatever brand they give you. Start realizing how disgusting this habit is. Start cutting down.

After the first week, you are no longer allowed to ask strangers for cigarettes. The only cigarettes that you are allowed to smoke are those that you find: on the ground, in ashtrays, in the backseat of people's cars, etc.

When I was implementing this system on myself about 8 years ago, I would be surprised at how many unlit cigarettes I would find in the big ashtrays on top of the garbage cans in front of Publix, or in the ones outside of Pollo Tropical. A number of times, I would find cigarettes with lipstick still on the filter and light em up! Gross, I know, but that is what happens when you are addicted to something that causes cancer and depression, among other things.

By your fourth or fifth "found" cig, you will be so disgusted by the taste alone, that you will never smoke another cigarette again. Hallelujah!

Now you will begin to develop good habits, such as: eating healthy foods, drinking lots of water, getting plenty of sleep, reading your Bible on a daily basis, getting to know the Lord, and attending a good church.

I am so proud of you! You have slayed the Dragon. Good job, I knew you could do it.

In Dreams, I Walk With You

A number of Supernatural experiences took place at church on Sunday (today). Here is one of them, it is the truth.

I'm walking down the hallway after the service and this young 10 year old African-American girl points her finger at me and says really loudly, "You!"

She continues, "You're the man that's been in my dreams!" There are people of all ages around, and I'm totally feeling awkward in a very surreal way.

"I'm sorry?" I answer.

The girl continues, "In my dreams, You're walking around the park and you look at me....the park is surrounded by a black gate."

"Is it a scary dream?" I ask, "what am I doing? Um..."

Eventually this girls mother comes out with her 4 siblings and they all know about these dreams of hers that I've been in. The mom tells me that her daughter has been having these dreams for months- about some strange man, and that strange man is me! I had never met these people before in my life. It was really weird.

When I asked the young lady who was having these dreams with me in them her name, she said, "Azariah." She spelled it out for me. I was totally dumbfounded at this point. I explained that when I was a person of the street, I was known as "Azar," which added even more weird to the situation. I asked the mom where she got that name from.

The girl's mom started telling us that the name Azar is from a science fiction comic book. This was such a strange experience, I'm still trying to find meaning in it. Does anyone have any idea why this girl is having these dreams?

Jerry Seinfeld Hologram and Other Hollywood Special Effects

Last night, I was speaking at a small church. I was telling them how I had memorized many chapters of the Bible based on a system that I had learned from a secret society that I was once affiliated with. I have developed a photographic memory using this system. A man came up to me afterwards with a "prophetic vision." He told me that I was going to be a "great evangelical stand-up comedian!" This was a compliment.

Like Andy Kaufman?. I was once given free tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld because I was supposed to write a review of the performance, so I took my ex-gf (she was my gf at the time, of course, but now we'll just refer to her as "ex-gf"). We had front row seats and were quite high from smoking a blunt in the car. I was convinced that Jerry Seinfeld was not actually on the stage. I was telling people that it was a hologram. I could practically see through him. "He is a billionaire," I whispered, "he doesn't tour. That is not really Jerry Seinfeld. Look at that. It is a hologram! He looks like a character in the movie Tron."  People were "shushing" me. My ex-gf thought that it was because we were high, and that I had come up with another conspiracy theory,  but she knew that what I was saying was true. A few months later, my "conspiracy theory" was given some confirmation when Tupac Shakur appeared onstage at a concert as a hologram. Jerry Seinfeld, the news is out! You may have fooled many people, but not me!

Back to the prophecy. I was impressed with this "evangelical stand up comedian" vision. I didn't tell him about Pastor Clean. In fact, I don't really talk about Pastor Clean with anybody. Pastor Clean is not at that point yet. I am still trying to figure out the mission at hand and where it is going. It has been less than a week since I started this website. I am at it again. I am trying to completely break away from my past and focus on great things that God has in store for me. I have total faith that I am doing this for a real purpose.

Somebody out there is going to plant a $1,000,000 seed to this website today.