David Lynch Coffee Episode 1

Last month, I was given the wonderful opportunity of interviewing David Lynch and reviewing his Signature Brand Coffee (they sent me a box with almost 3 lbs. of the stuff). 

The coffee is really great; however, it is also quite strong. The discussion with Mr. Lynch was supernatural and I spent every day for about a week between the hours of 5-7a.m. writing and guzzling cup after cup of this David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee while listening to the interview that I had burned onto a CD. I eventually sent the draft below to the wonderful editor at the Village Voice Media website who had agreed to publish it. Needless to say, the editor wanted me to tweak it some, but I have decided to publish it here as is, and rewrite something altogether different for their website. I have run out of all the David Lynch Coffee that they sent me (except the unopened bag of David Lynch Decaf (?)): 

“The film industry has changed so much...things are always changing...” says multi-media extraordinaire David Lynch during our recent phone interview, “I build films to go on the big screen, and the kind of films I make probably won’t get on too many screens. It’s a great big beautiful world...” 

We see Steve Buscemi standing in the middle of a large, empty field.  A holographic image of Alice Cooper’s face fills the sky above.

"I am going to sue Puff Daddy for everything he's got! He stole my name!” yells Steve Buscemi towards the sky, "In the 1980's, I was Jason "Puff Daddy" Handelsman, and now I am on heavy medication!"

The image of Alice Cooper's makeup covered face transforms into Jim Carrey, who looks down from the beautiful blue sky and says, "That medication is called David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee."  

Voice Over (William H. Macy): “This official David Lynch Foundation approved study of David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee, has Jason sipping from 4 marked porcelain mugs, as well as 3 large Styrofoam cups diligently placed on his kitchen table simultaneously; each cup of coffee has been brewed individually from either a French Press, an automatic drip, or an espresso machine with different temperatures and various modifications of David Lynch's Signature Espresso and House Roast blends. For example: One tablespoon of David Lynch Signature Cup Espresso per 6 ounces of distilled water in the "Twin Peaks" porcelain mug seemed kind of weak, so Jason made it a little stronger in Styrofoam cup #5 and added half and half to evaluate the difference.”

We see Jim Carrey’s face in the sky. He looks down at Steve Buscemi and says, "Weak? There is no such thing as a weak David Lynch Espresso!"  We hear laughter as it echoes in the distance.

Cut to the year 1972. A teenager with bad acne stands onstage in a smoky comedy club. His name is Jerome Seinfeld.

"Thank you so much. Ladies and gentleman, we have a brand new song called, 'I Was a Teenage Elephant Man!'" We hear laughter and applause. "There is nothing like your first hit of crack." He looks at a man in the front row, "Maybe some friends took you down to Tijuana for your 50th birthday? Maybe your crack head eyeballs became abducted by aliens?"

The 17 year old Jerome Seinfeld has the crowd in stiches as he develops his unique style of comedic deliverance, "Was Justin Beiber smoking weed in front of the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam? What’s the deal with that?" The man in the front row is laughing so hard that he keels over.  

Welcome to the first authorized and comprehensive dissertation concerning the powerful effects of David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee on the subconscious mind.

We see Steve Buscemi walking into an office in Hollywood, California. "My name is Jason Handelsman and I have an appointment to interview David Lynch," he says to the receptionist (played by Lady Gaga). "I am writing a review of his signature brand of coffee."

They smile at each other. "Don’t be nervous," she says.

A door opens and we see David Lynch sitting at a desk.

"I just got these two new beautiful coffee machines in the office," says David Lynch to the camera, "everybody working here drinks espressos and makes cappuccinos. I make my own and sometimes other people make them for me. I always say that there is an idea in every bag of David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee, and the main thing about coffee is the flavor. My coffee is smooth not bitter. This David Lynch Signature Cup coffee has a great and beautiful flavor! I drink David Lynch Signature Cup espresso all day long.”

Extreme close up of Lady Gaga as she nods and says, "He drinks it all day long.”

We then see the entire cast of Seinfeld holding up coffee mugs and exclaiming simultaneously, "We drink it all day long!"

David Lynch continues as Steve Buscemi takes notes on a legal sized yellow notepad, "Yes Jason, I worked with Henry Rollins on Lost Highway and I saw him recently in Los Angeles. Henry is a really great intellect and musician; he is such a good guy. We might have shared a cup of coffee together. Will you be drinking espressos or house roast?"  

The voice of David Lynch transmits through cellular waves above the Hollywood, California sky and beneath Hollywood, Florida through a smart phone, "Coffee has been used to give people pleasure and to electrify them a little bit. There is an idea in every bag of my coffee.”

Fade to black. 

It is night time. We see a shirtless Chris Farley (played by Jeff Garland) dancing on top of a red Volkswagen bus in a parking lot outside of a comedy club. 

"I am the candy colored clown they call the sandman!" he screams, "I tip toe through your room every night!"

We see a Styrofoam cup overflowing with black coffee, on a tree stump in the Redwood Forest.

Voice Over: "2 tablespoons of David Lynch Signature House Blend per 8 ounces of distilled water, slightly burned and black...has a 'woodsy' flavor.”

Back in the office, we see Steve Buscemi taking a sip of coffee and then asking David Lynch, "What about the coffee's reverse osmosis membrane performance?" 

"That is a very good question, such a beautiful question," exclaims David Lynch, "Coffee has an effect on your physical being. These beans are unbelievable and the taste will send you right to heaven."

We see the author of this blog in a dark kitchen, lights flicker as he grinds more David Lynch Signature Cup Espresso beans. He holds the opening of the coffee bag over his mouth, inhaling the vapors deep into his lungs and bloodstream.

"Don't look at me!" he yells at Jimi Hendrix, who is playing guitar on the other side of the refrigerator. 

The espresso machine is making ethereal noises. It is plugged into the electrical outlet of an art gallery in downtown Paris. Beautiful black syrup drips and drizzles ever so slowly like Jackson Pollack paint onto the glass canvas.

A hand scribbles on the yellow legal sized notepad, "'Black Velvet' in Styrofoam cup #3 has a taste that can only be described as 'Inky'."

We see Mike Tyson holding a cup of David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee: "Tastes like the ink that they tattooed on my face," he says with a beautiful smile.

We see Lil Wayne holding a Styrofoam cup as he walks on the beach: "Tastes like the ink that they tattooed on my eyelids," he says. The camera slowly zooms in to his now closed eyelids which have the words, "FEAR GOD" on the left and right eyelids respectively.

Yes, this coffee tastes "Inky" in a totally delicious way. Like the ink shooting out of your own laser beam eyeballs as you read the following words:

"When you come out of meditation you feel so refreshed and filled with energy," says the voice of David Lynch through the smart phone that I am holding against my ear, "I drink a cup of coffee before I meditate in the morning and I drink it all day long. I just love coffee so I keep drinking it."

How do you drink a cup of this powerful David Lynch Signature Coffee and then sit still for 20 minutes?

"Coffee is great, but transcending is the best thing for a human being. I want you to read about Transcendental Meditation and see what it has done for so many people."

I’m going to hire 10,000 artists to paint my portrait every single day for the rest of my life.    

I put a handful of raw David Lynch Signature Cup Espresso beans into my mouth as thousands of orange poodles whiz by.

I spit the beans into a glass of ice water and continue my telephone interview with David Lynch.  

"No, I never had to do that," he answers when asked if he'd ever taken a break from coffee and not drank it for a day or two.

We see fingers transforming into the Muppet Show as they stir a John Cage symphony into another cup of coffee. A gentle gulp of homemade cappuccino from the Styrofoam cup marked, "Eraserhead,” gives the one idea per bag that David Lynch has promised: Is it safe to drink hot David Lynch Signature Coffee from a Styrofoam cup? Is there a dangerous chemical reaction that may be hazardous to one's mental clarity? Could I receive a grant for clinical research in this area? Would I be able to use lab rats for this study? Did you hear something? Who said that?   

The voice of David Lynch says, "When John Lennon was with Maharishi in India, he kept getting ideas during meditation and he didn’t want to forget them." 

I step outside for a breath of air and smell my left armpit. It's like huffing airplane glue inside the Yellow Submarine. However, my right armpit happens to smell like Kim Kardashian. I have serious caffeine jitters. "Don't look at me!"

My eyes are twitching and my teeth are gnashing like there are coffee beans in my mouth. Wait a moment; there ARE coffee beans in my mouth! Ha ha ha.

We see Steve Buscemi turning his head slowly toward Samuel L. Jackson (as P. Diddy):

"I am Jason Handelsman," he says, "I have conquered the world!"

Cut! That was beautiful!

"Recovery houses serve lots of coffee," says David Lynch as we both laugh.

Filled with way too much coffee and the Holy Spirit, I begin speaking in tongues into my smart phone. David Lynch responds, "The church that you go to can give you so much good feeling, but nothing takes the place of that experience with the light of God during meditation, that deepest level of life. Tell your church people about that, and then call me back."

Huh?

"Any problems give me a call."

At this number?

"Yes, Jason. You should find a legitimate teacher of Transcendental Meditation and start meditating and you will see what it does for a human being. You get that technique and meditate regularly and then give me a call and I guarantee that you will tell me how happy you are."

There is a pause and he continues, "There will be a time coming soon when all the Born Again Christians will be practicing Transcendental Meditation, because in the Bible it says, 'Seek first the kingdom of heaven within.' That is within, infinite, immortal, within every human being, and you can experience that with Transcendental Meditation. Life gets better and better and better. It is a technique. People from all religions practice this technique. It is really beautiful, and you grow in that, and what you are doing is unfolding your full potential. It is going to bring the world to a beautiful place."

 David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee: Bringing the world to a beautiful place.     

Please come to a free class on Meditation and Memorization which Jason Handelsman has been teaching for two years at Upper Room Assemblies of God, 19701 sw 127th ave, Miami, fl 33177. Every Wednesday at 7:30pm. David Lynch Coffee and refreshments will be served.  

Call 786-227-9486 for more information.