Cold Shower/ New Life

For about 2 years (after getting evicted from the White House), I was living with my girlfriend (now  wife) in a small efficiency in Richmond Heights. There was mold on the walls, roaches, we shared the kitchen and bathroom with an old woman who spoke no English, it was just a little room. But the fact that it was only $300 a month made us acclimate ourselves.

The last 6 months that we lived there, the hot water heater was "broken". At first, I was quite upset with the landlord. But after a week of taking only cold showers, I noticed a change in my emotions. I didn't feel depressed, I was full of energy and joy. I began to really appreciate the jolt of my nightly cold shower. Taking a shower became a fun experience.  I even began to sleep better.

A month or so later, I went to Orlando to visit family. I started telling them about these cold shower epiphanies. "That's really strange," said my brother Nick. It turns out that our multi-millionaire cousin Brian, who owns two very successful restaurants in Orlando had no hot water in his mansion!

Brian (whose net worth is $3.5 million) explained that he also takes cold showers because they are quick and he doesn't have time for a long shower, because he is so busy. Also, it helps his mind stay alert and focused on making money. This was great for me to hear.

Pastor Clean says, "Take cold showers every day!" Hallelujah!

How To Quit Smoking in 12 Days

Smoking cigarettes is a bad habit. These days,  I'm all about breaking BAD habits and making GOOD habits. So here is the Handelsman System of quitting cigarettes in less than12 days. This system works if you do it, I promise. It totally works.

First, stop buying cigarettes. Tell yourself that you are now on the Handelsman System and that you are going to slay this Dragon. There are only 2 things that cigarettes do: they steal your money and they kill you. You can do this!

Start this Monday. For the next week, when you feel the urge to smoke, ask a cigarette smoking stranger if you can "bum a square" or "get a smoke", or even "may I please have a cigarette?" Don't buy a pack, smoke whatever brand they give you. Start realizing how disgusting this habit is. Start cutting down.

After the first week, you are no longer allowed to ask strangers for cigarettes. The only cigarettes that you are allowed to smoke are those that you find: on the ground, in ashtrays, in the backseat of people's cars, etc.

When I was implementing this system on myself about 8 years ago, I would be surprised at how many unlit cigarettes I would find in the big ashtrays on top of the garbage cans in front of Publix, or in the ones outside of Pollo Tropical. A number of times, I would find cigarettes with lipstick still on the filter and light em up! Gross, I know, but that is what happens when you are addicted to something that causes cancer and depression, among other things.

By your fourth or fifth "found" cig, you will be so disgusted by the taste alone, that you will never smoke another cigarette again. Hallelujah!

Now you will begin to develop good habits, such as: eating healthy foods, drinking lots of water, getting plenty of sleep, reading your Bible on a daily basis, getting to know the Lord, and attending a good church.

I am so proud of you! You have slayed the Dragon. Good job, I knew you could do it.

In Dreams, I Walk With You

A number of Supernatural experiences took place at church on Sunday (today). Here is one of them, it is the truth.

I'm walking down the hallway after the service and this young 10 year old African-American girl points her finger at me and says really loudly, "You!"

She continues, "You're the man that's been in my dreams!" There are people of all ages around, and I'm totally feeling awkward in a very surreal way.

"I'm sorry?" I answer.

The girl continues, "In my dreams, You're walking around the park and you look at me....the park is surrounded by a black gate."

"Is it a scary dream?" I ask, "what am I doing? Um..."

Eventually this girls mother comes out with her 4 siblings and they all know about these dreams of hers that I've been in. The mom tells me that her daughter has been having these dreams for months- about some strange man, and that strange man is me! I had never met these people before in my life. It was really weird.

When I asked the young lady who was having these dreams with me in them her name, she said, "Azariah." She spelled it out for me. I was totally dumbfounded at this point. I explained that when I was a person of the street, I was known as "Azar," which added even more weird to the situation. I asked the mom where she got that name from.

The girl's mom started telling us that the name Azar is from a science fiction comic book. This was such a strange experience, I'm still trying to find meaning in it. Does anyone have any idea why this girl is having these dreams?

Jerry Seinfeld Hologram and Other Hollywood Special Effects

Last night, I was speaking at a small church. I was telling them how I had memorized many chapters of the Bible based on a system that I had learned from a secret society that I was once affiliated with. I have developed a photographic memory using this system. A man came up to me afterwards with a "prophetic vision." He told me that I was going to be a "great evangelical stand-up comedian!" This was a compliment.

Like Andy Kaufman?. I was once given free tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld because I was supposed to write a review of the performance, so I took my ex-gf (she was my gf at the time, of course, but now we'll just refer to her as "ex-gf"). We had front row seats and were quite high from smoking a blunt in the car. I was convinced that Jerry Seinfeld was not actually on the stage. I was telling people that it was a hologram. I could practically see through him. "He is a billionaire," I whispered, "he doesn't tour. That is not really Jerry Seinfeld. Look at that. It is a hologram! He looks like a character in the movie Tron."  People were "shushing" me. My ex-gf thought that it was because we were high, and that I had come up with another conspiracy theory,  but she knew that what I was saying was true. A few months later, my "conspiracy theory" was given some confirmation when Tupac Shakur appeared onstage at a concert as a hologram. Jerry Seinfeld, the news is out! You may have fooled many people, but not me!

Back to the prophecy. I was impressed with this "evangelical stand up comedian" vision. I didn't tell him about Pastor Clean. In fact, I don't really talk about Pastor Clean with anybody. Pastor Clean is not at that point yet. I am still trying to figure out the mission at hand and where it is going. It has been less than a week since I started this website. I am at it again. I am trying to completely break away from my past and focus on great things that God has in store for me. I have total faith that I am doing this for a real purpose.

Somebody out there is going to plant a $1,000,000 seed to this website today.

Quantity Not Quality

A number of years ago I worked for an online publication and there was a boss who told me that Quantity was more important than Quality. He wanted hundreds and hundreds of blogs published constantly. He didn't even care what they said, they were just paying me to upload content. He was more interested in the numbers then the actual words that I was writing. This was somewhat difficult for me at first, because I was a perfectionist, especially when I wrote something that had a byline with my name on it.  As the author of something, it was like each piece of content was my work of art and it had to be a masterpiece and I would rewrite it and I wouldn't even upload it until I had written like 20 drafts of something and the boss man was like, "Jason stop going over it so many times just write something and put it up short, make it short and sweet and put it up. Every time you upload something the numbers pop up. We want the numbers to be in the thousands every week." He had weekly counts of all of my content. It was like 1,786 and his other website in another city had like a million and so just keep uploading content just keep popping them up constantly that's what I'm paying you for and so that has had some effect on this Pastor Clean thing. My personal website where I feel like every entry should be a masterpiece but at the same time a masterpiece takes a very long amount of time so now I've just decided to use technology to its fullest, speak into my phone let the phone transcribe what I'm saying and just pop it up.

Over 300 people have checked out Pastor Clean, btw.

Hallelujah.

Fi / T (G) = M

"At many points throughout his life, Jason's art has been prophetic of his own future. There are hints in his drawings and texts of forthcoming character/self developments; interests and subjects that he has delved into and themes that later became more full blown. If you become a student of his work and evolution, then you start to see the patterns and the ways that his characters, as they weave in and out of inhabiting each other, seem to be administered by Jason."
From a book titled,  Jason Handelsman: A Partial Archaeology of Otherwordly Conformity by Rob Goyanes

For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
Luke 14:11

The equation in the title stands for:

"Focused intensity / over Time, multiplied by God, equals MOMENTUM."

Momentum is energy, power, strength, drive, force. It is having a definite purpose in life.

Momentum is believing in the intensity of Phillipians 4:13:



I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

We are going to talk about momentum today. I have 37 minutes to write and post this blog, and I love you so much for reading this. I pray that you will receive blessings from heaven today.  I pray that God will open up His treasures upon you. I pray that you will be filled with the Holy Spirit.
You will say, "Jesus, I repent of my sins and open my heart to a New Life." Amen.

A CLEAN LIFE, with Pastor Clean!


"How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your Word."

Psalm 119:9

Since I was on trial for hitting a pedestrian with my car while driving intoxicated, I have been praying constantly, and taking heed of God's Word. God works! At first, I found it preposterous, as I strained  myself to really believe these things: Christ was born of a virgin? Moses parted the Red Sea? I have the power to heal the sick and raise the dead because I have received spiritual blessings from God? Yes! It took some time and discipline. "Do you really believe that stuff Jason?"

I CERTAINLY DO!!!! 

Once I gave in completely and accepted the reality of Eternal Life in Christ Jesus, God has shown me things that proves His Glory and Dominion forever and ever! Amen . I AM A FRIEND OF GOD, AND YOU CAN BE HIS FRIEND TOO. I can't wait to tell you more about these things, but I am on lunch break and typing really fast. God is good!

So let's go back in time, to a place where I did things things that were not healthy, things that were bad for my body and mind.  

As a music journalist, I made it to the top of my game. At least in my own mind. I did not win any awards, I did not graduate from Harvard School of Journalism, I ended up broke and facing 10 years in prison because I lost control of myself. I did, however, get to smoke blunts with Rick Ross and Trick Daddy on a consistent basis, as you can see in this video at 1:28. To me, at that time in my life, that was the "big time". But now, I am CLEAN. Outside and inside, I am PASTOR CLEAN!
Praise God!

Isaiah 1:16 says, “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean;
Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes.
Cease to do evil, learn to do good."

The Word of God is living and powerful. As I read my Bible in the morning, I feel vapors that get me really high, intoxication filling my lungs. It takes me into a spiritual realm as I sip my matcha tea. Joy fills my heart. It is the Power of the Holy Spirit, it is the Blood of Jesus flowing through my veins. It is totally legal. It fills me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self control (see Galatians 5:22).

Since I have come out of the proverbial Born Again Christian closet, I have lost most of my old "friends." They have asked me these types of questions along the way: You don't have fun anymore?, You probably hate gays now? You are a Republican? You don't use bad language? You won't even have a beer? You take showers everyday now? Ok...I don't want to give the wrong impression. I have 29 minutes left before I have to go back to my "JOB."

However, stay tuned for my upcoming blog on homosexuality.

Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back.

 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.

That is what Jesus tells us in the Book of John, Chapter 15, verse 3.
I am already clean! PASTOR CLEAN! When I was a person of the street known as "AZAR", I was really dirty. I rarely took a shower, my whole existence was based on using drugs, watch this video clip I recently made: video of bridge that I used to sleep under. That is part of my human experience. We all make mistakes, but momentum is learning from the mistakes, the miscalculations, stepping away from all of those things that are taking you away from your glory and destiny! We all want health and prosperity, right now, Thank You Jesus!

Feel the momentum in this Pastor Clean Ministry. It is about Romans 12:2: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Here is a video clip of me studying romans 12 on a beautiful day.


I recently prayed for a man with serious back pain to be healed in the NAME of Jesus, and he was healed! He could barely move when I started praying for him, but within a few minutes, the man was filled with the Holy Spirit! He was able to jump up and down and touch his toes without bending his knees! I want to pray for you right now!

Heavenly Father, thank you for using me to write this blog on this Monday morning. I  know that there is someone reading this blog right now who is dealing with serious issues and pain in his/her life. I pray that YOU will touch that person and restore their faith. Someone is reading this right now as they smoke marijuana. Father God, I pray that you will show them a New Life. Show them that secret place in the Most High, Higher than the heavens above, so they will not need to live a life of self destruction anymore, but a life of love and joy. I ask that this person will open up his/her Bible to Psalm 91 and begin to rejoice in the Lord. We ask for these blessings in Jesus' Mighty Name. Amen.

Thank you so much. I love you and look forward to hearing from you.

Jason "Pastor Clean" Handelsman


 

SMOKING CRACK WHILE TRIPPING ON LSD

I knew that title would get your attention. I did that once when I was sleeping in Kennedy Park in Coconut Grove and ended up on Grand St. in the hood on a beautiful Sunday morning. Every house turned into a church and the streets seemed to be paved with gold. I could hear preachers shouting the Gospel from every corner as I sat on the bus bench with Shorty and Dingle. My mind had expanded as far as possible.

The hood just changes on a Sunday morning, especially after some LSD. People are dressed up to the 9's. Everybody is smiling and glitter floats through the air. A preacher man came up to me and asked how I liked being in the Kingdom of God.

TO BE CONTINUED....

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.bustedmugshots.com/image/get/listing/mug-shot-39036671.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.bustedmugshots.com/florida/miami/jason-handelsman/39036671&h=341&w=270&sz=6&tbnid=xxfX5VcoDdJLCM:&tbnh=91&tbnw=72&zoom=1&usg=__XeAVN67aGEZjGIgAYuJOOlP7wTs=&docid=v6czmtN4OfFntM&sa=X&ei=zyd1UsfhF6etsATX-IGYBQ&ved=0CC4Q9QEwAA

I want to make myself vulnerable

That is the whole point of this blog. Overcoming my own fears of being vulnerable. Having acne, going bald, being a Born Again Christian, having a history of addiction, feeling like an idiot for most of my life, just putting it all out there and dealing with the outcome.

Being honest to myself. Knowing that I can really change the world, turn it upside down, but not exactly sure where to start. Dealing with all this modern social media stuff and feeling old at the age of 40. Being married. Not drinking anymore or smoking weed. Secluding myself from night life, staying home and working on being a man of God. Having a relationship with God since I was born.

People have been calling me weird my whole life. There is more, but I am not complaining. I am just trying to let out as much as possible on this library computer in 10 minutes. I want to just write and write and not worry about the reader's reaction. OR my own fear of shame....like...in a few hours feeling the urge to delete this...

This blog is going to be my therapy. I want to be the best at what I do, but I am unable to put that into words. I am trying. I dream all day long. I pray instead of thinking. I am expecting really great things to happen today. I love life. Every breath and every step. Why does this feel like something I may have done while I was in high school in 1990? Just on a piece of paper that I would hide under my bed, now, I am preparing to lead millions of people to Christ.

My Psychopathic Tendencies

I've been reading lots of books lately to enhance my leadership skills. And recently, in a book titled Leadership, by Pulitzer Prize winning author James McGregor I had an epiphany. The book says that Adolf Hitler, yeah, that guy with the Michael Jordan moustache, "the Fuhrer"...the reason that he struggled so violently to achieve power in this male-dominated world, was to compensate for a deformity that he had: Hitler was born with only one testicle. That's right, the reason that Adolf Hitler was so intent on the BIG take over which he almost accomplished through genocide during WW2, was because he felt inadequate as a man due to his lack of a pair of testicles.  Was he blaming the Jews for his undescended teste? We'll get to that in a minute.

He might not have consciously known that his vicious drive to exterminate Jews, homosexuals, disabled people, and Freemasons through various forms of inhumane torture and calculated slaughter, was due to the mere fact that he only had one testicle, but, psychological analysis over the past century has proven this to be true. Hitler's missing testicle was at the very root of his anger and fury.

Upon further research, I found similar evidence about the pioneer of Kung Fu and one of the highest ranking martial artists/movie stars of all time: Bruce Lee. And friends, after another Google, I read that the ruthless Chinese dictator, Chairman Mao Zedong, was also suffering from Monorchism, which is the state of having only one testicle in the scrotum sac.

Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong, and Bruce Lee, are three examples of the extreme Alpha Male with their testosterone level cranked up to 11. The missing testicle seemed to serve as a subconscious impetus for their overly masculine hunger for power, authority, and attention through strategicly aggresive behavior.

It's like the blind man who can hear better than any non-blind person because he can not see, and so his hearing intensifies due to lack of sight. Because of having only one testicle, the hormonal and psychological imbalance creates an exaggerated drive to conquer the world.

Not a pro-wrestler/bodybuilder type of manliness (although it is rumored via Google that Arnold Scharzeneggar is also a monorchid)...More like the way a number of friends of mine in high school would always assume that I was destined to be a cult leader. And that leads to my next point, which I really need to get off my chest: 

As a man being born with only one testicle (gasp) and struggling his whole life to obtain wealth and power, when I read that bit about Hitler, it was like the proverbial light bulb popped up over my head. You see my friends, I have struggled for wealth and power/fame and fortune/sex,drugs, rock and roll/ and other demonic worldly intentions for a major part of my life, and might I say, with a very high level of intensity.

But then, along the way (more precisely, after running over a pedestrian with my car while driving intoxicated. The windshield of my car shattered as the man's body bounced onto the sidewalk and the car was covered with his blood. Between jail, getting dumped by ex-gf, losing job, my trial, my probation, The President's Reality Show, tens of thousands of dollars in fines and lawyer fees, feeling eschewed by society as the perpetrator of this heinous act, and then this New Life in Christ, I am filled with the Holy Spirit, I have come to serious terms with my eternal life in the spiritual realm, and my physical body), I met Jesus Christ, and I will never be the same again.
I have become a New Jason Handelsman, with one powerful supernatural testicle! Amen.

I am now more than ever, perfectly content with the way that God has designed me to be Jason. Now that I am 40 years old, I realize that missing a testicle is really not that big of a deal. Thank you Jesus.

In the Bible, Jesus says, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you!" I tried to fight Him for a quite a while, but I am not the Almighty Jason, He is the Almighty Jesus.

"But, Jason," you ask, "what does all of that have to do with you having only one testicle?" 

Hold on, I am getting there. Now, unfortunately as I said, that worldly struggle for "success" prior to my Born Again experience, had led me to be a suicidal/self-destructive person and addicted to drugs while at the same time, on a Hitlerian quest for world domination (on an admittedly minor level, nonetheless).

As a side note: while I was in Poland in 2004, I was able to sample the chocolate covered amphetamines that Hitler was addicted to. But that's just a side note, we'll talk about that later.

While being a total "attention whore" and filming hundreds of hours of myself for an imaginary reality show: I basically experimented with everything sinful that the world had to offer, everything, and in fact, I lived the life of a proffessional sinner.

In 2005, I was possessed by the ghost of Ol Dirty Bastard, and had this rising career as a crack smoking whigger. I played shows, released 2 albums, and had a high level of punk rock authority over multitudes of people on the street. But not really. In my ego filled cerebrum, I was on the brink of taking over the world! Actually, that is what many homeless drug addicts believe as they wander the streets until the wee hours....maybe I need to reconsider this entry....

Glory to God. Thank you Jesus for transforming my life and renewing my mind. The New Jason is overdosing on Jesus Christ as we speak. The old Jason liked to steal things, he was a kleptomaniac, and a megalomaniac, destroyed his own and other people's lives, destroyed thousands of dollars of property, wore women's clothing in public places as the town drunkard, but then it all culminated when the old Jason ran over that man with his car while driving intoxicated, and like Hitler and Bruce Lee, the root of all this lay in my undescended testicle.

And you say, "Really, Jason? That is such a lame excuse."

Let me tell you something, it adds to the human experience when you subconsciously know that you only have one testicle and most of the other men have two balls. Subconsciously, because you don't really think or talk about it with anyone, except maybe your girlfriend.

Now that I know the cause of Hitler's uber-machismo aggresive behavior, it all makes sense, as being some sort of subconscious drive to overcome the psychological torture of feeling like half a man.

Jesus Christ has calmed me down like a Quallude from heaven, He has brought tranquility and peace into my life, He has shown me how to be cool with myself, to love myself. The Bible tells us, that Jesus sent the Holy Spirit, or "The Counselor" who proceeds from the Father, for this very purpose. I am filled with the Holy Spirit. When you begin having your free therapy sessions with The Counselor of the Spiritual Realm, your problems and adversities will be transfomed into positive blessings. He will bless you with love, joy, peace, patience, humility, self control, and much much more.
My friends, Are you ready to receive the Holy Spirit?

Hallelujah!

Global Drug Binge Part One: Amsterdam's Church of Scientology

In 2004 I found myself living in Amsterdam in the middle of a serious Global Drug Binge which led me all the way to Krakow, Poland with nothing but my charming personality, a bag of speed, and a bag filled with my drug induced drawings and writings (which will someday be published).

While in Amsterdam, I was staying across the street from the Amsterdam Church of Scientology, it was the first storefront that I saw when I climbed out of my hole under the bridge. I would start my day by smoking some really great marijuana and drinking a few vials of Hollands liquid cocaine, which is only available in Amsterdam (they also have liquid heroin and liquid speed which you could buy at this vending machine in front of a well known coffee shop near the park where they handed out free needles) and then I would walk (although it felt like I was ice skating) into the Church of Scientology and they would lead me to a dark cozy room where I would watch these videos about the "reactive mind" and I was really high. I would take notes and draw pictures in my journal while watching these videos and sometimes I would see a room full of people at the end of a hall wearing white button down shirts and blue slacks and black dress shoes stomping on their feet and clapping their hands and I became very intrigued. I was audited, I held on to these metal cans that had wires coming out of them and it was something they call the E meter which has a needle going up and down as they asked me questions like (in a Dutch accent), "do you laugh when you hear something funny do you eat when you are hungry" and so on and so forth. My last name is of Dutch origin by the way, and I saw HANDELSMAN on buildings and even a billboard in Amsterdam.

there were also these rooms with glass walls where students would be taking colorful beads and marbles out of cups and placing them into different bowls, but I wasn't really allowed to look into those rooms, I was getting very into the idea of this morning habit that I had acquired on a daily basis. I would wander around beautiful amsterdam over the bridges and around all the canals and down into the beautiful urban areas and past a windmill, and amsterdam is 1 of the most beautiful cities I have ever been to.

I was sitting in a park 1 day on some form of hallucinogenic and I looked up into the sky and I saw these birds that looked exactly like an MC Escher painting and a woman came up to me and started telling me how MC Escher was born in Amsterdam as well as vincent Van Gogh and and other great artists I wandered into the amsterdam museum of arts.  but this is about scientology and my relationship to scientology. I was staying high and just being lured into the Church of Scientology buy a statue of L Ron Hubbard I would go inside and watch these very interesting videos about the reactive mind however I was also quite interested n driving my car at this very moment I became interested and I try to read Dianetics.

I got into this fight in the red light district with this guy that threatened to stab me. I was able to smoke weed and snort cocaine while talking to Amsterdam policemen Thank you Jesus. Before Amsterdam, I spent some time in London taking hallucinogenics and wandering around the Grand Freemason Lodge. We'll get to that later. I guess that I was searching for something.

Pastor Clean #1

 

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