I Wrote This the Night Before Going to the Hospital Where They Removed My Gallbladder (Unedited)

I remember reading Notes From the Underground and the opening lines were something like, "there is pain in my liver...or kidneys..." or something to that effect. As I sit here and write this now, there is pain in my body. It just keeps going. People dont understand what it is like to live with constant pain. Well..some people understand.

But now, I am going to switch my mind set and enjoy the feelings in my body as I write this. IT is a burst of energy from the HOLY SPIRIT making me write this tonight. My wife is sleeping on the bed nearby in the room that we live in. She is 13 weeks pregnant.  I have never had a pregnant wife before. I am excited about this child coming soon. I never thought that I would have any kids. I was just one of those people who thought that there are already enough people on this planet, and life is such a drag sometimes. Who really needs to bring more people into this limited amount of space on this ball of depressed mud floating around a big hot ball of fire.

But, then I became a Born Again Christian. Going to church, reading my Bible, praying for others. That was about 3 years ago, while I was going through a trial for hitting a pedestrian with my car. I will never forget that moment: the body splashed against my windshield shattering the glass as blood sprayed all over my car and I stopped and then I screamed and then I took off and then I pulled into the next street and sat there. The words: GAME OVER were flashing in my mind in front of my eyes.

Who am I writing this for? I have always wanted to make writing my vocation and I have gotten pretty close, but then it just becomes so hard to write down every idea. So many ideas and they become kind of dumb after awhile.

I just felt a jolt of pain in my abdomen area. You see, I was diagnosed with gallstones about a year ago and there have been bouts with excrutiating pain, I went to the emergency room once and could not even stand up the pain was so bad, and then the pain just simmers out and stays at a medium level for days and it is driving me crazy. I dont trust doctors and I dont like going to hospitals and I dont like taking medicine. But now, I have some pain killers that they gave me and I am going to take one. Right now.

No, I am going to beat this without pain killers. I was addicted to drugs for a long time before I gave my life to Christ. I smoked crack and snorted all kinds of powders and shot up heroin and popped so many pills that people thought I was Chinese because my eyes were so lidded. I dont know how it all spun out of control, but I do. It is easy to try to look for someone to blame, but it was all me.

Again, I am going to try and focus on Positive Mental Attitude. I read my Bible as soon as I get up in the morning. I read it and I believe that it is the Word of God. There was a time, not too long ago, when I just read it like any book. Mythology. Fiction. But one day, while I was reading it I heard a voice say this to me, "Try to believe."  It was preposterous, and I strained myself, but it worked. I began to see the light. I felt the presence of God right there and I began to transform into a New Person in Christ.

So now, I'll be honest with you, I just took the pill. I thought that I would be able to beat the pain with positive mental attitude and prayer, or maybe this writing would break the pain but it is not. It is really bad and in my whole upper body. It makes me wonder what death is like. But oh yeah, I have eternal life now. You can have eternal life too, if you accept Jesus Christ into your heart.

I think that this writing is making the pain worse. I cant take it, I might have to stop. It is like my lungs are on fire. But when I write stuff like that it gets more painful. This is not a self help book. This is something different.

I am healed. I am healed. In the mighty Name of Jesus Christ. By His stripes I have been healed. My fingers are struggling to grasp my chest and stand up and pace back and forth. The pain is so bad right now.

I got up and stood in a really hot shower, scalding. And that temporarily takes the pain away. I know that God is putting me through this to strengthen me. I am not going to focus on the negative for another letter.

I am relaxing on a beautiful beach. The waves crashing against the shore and palm trees keeping me in the shade. A nice cold glass of water and I just saw a fish jump out of the crystal clear water. I can see my wife and child on the beach, we are having an amazing vacation where no one can find us. Our cell phones are in the hotel room and we are free.

I can see angels all around me. They are my medicine. They are healing me. I need to escape the world. Right now I am on a space ship far out in the depths of another galaxy.

The Holy Spirit has filled me with such joy and love. Love is really all that matters. So much love in my life. It fills my whole being. God has touched me. The Spirit is making my inner organs new and refreshed and my whole mind is becoming peaceful and calm. I know that you can feel the Kingdom of God right now as you read this. The Kingdom of God is where I live. The Kingdom of God is only attainable if you read your Bible on a daily basis. It is an instruction booklet, telling us how to walk in His Kingdom. Oh, thank you Jesus. As I abide in Him and He abides in me.